Hi. In this blog post I’m writing about how anxiety manifests itself within me. I won’t be referencing my lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, and self-doubt here as they are pretty much constants within my life and I will refer to those in future posts. However, anxiety isn’t a constant. It comes and goes, often without warning, and when it does, it manifests itself in certain ways. This may well be the most difficult YYCDI post I’ll ever write as I’ll be describing feelings and situations which I’ve spent many years desperately trying to hide. However, if I’m going to do justice to this blog, I need to share this detail.
I’m very conscious that I do want this blog to be positive and inspiring. However, in order to do that, I first need to describe what I experience and how this shapes my thinking. Therefore, I need to write 3-4 blog posts of a more negative nature before I can start sharing positive content. Next week I’ll discuss the lack of self-confidence I experience, whilst the following week will delve into what I believe to be the root causes of my issues. Following that, from post #5 onward, I’ll attempt to turn this around and begin discussing content which I hope will be more upbeat and optimistic, so please do stick with me!
One thing I must state before I continue is that I am in no way a medical expert (no surprise there to those of you who know me!). My views within this or any other blog posts are solely that – my views and in no way underpinned by any medical expertise or theory.
Anxiety can strike me at any time but, primarily, it tends to hit when I’m in situations in which I feel uncomfortable. I can’t ever recall a time when this has happened when I’ve been on my own, or when I’ve been with people / in situations in which I’m fully at ease, i.e. when with my wife and daughter, or my parents. It always happens when I feel vulnerable, or when I feel that people are watching me and judging me (one of the root causes I’ll be writing about in a couple of weeks). When it does strike, there are 2 or 3 symptoms which occur time and time again. The first is a quickening of the heartbeat and a tightening of the chest. Not to the extent that I feel that something untoward will happen, though the sensation is certainly there. I can sense it building inside and know that something is not quite right. This doesn’t happen to the extent that it’s debilitating but it does act as something of a warning sign that anxiety is about to kick in.
However, the main symptom, the constant which occurs every time this happens to me, is breaking out in sweats. Sometimes mild but often really quite pronounced. When this happens, my internal thought process often makes the situation much worse. I know when it starts to happen, quite often I fear it is worse than it actually is, and that culminates in actually making things much worse. The real issue with the sweating is that it is a visible manifestation of anxiety. A tight chest and quickened heartbeat are internal and invisible to others, and therefore much easier to deal with, whilst sweating can be quite clearly seen by others. I have a tendency to overthink things and worry about what others will think. I try to suppress the anxiety; to will it away. On rare occasions, this has worked, though not often. The only real solution is for me to find a quiet, safe place and wait for a few minutes until normality is restored. For instance, there have been occasions at work when I have bolted for the toilets, simply to buy myself a few minutes to get back to normal. On some occasions, this has happened to such an extent that I’ve removed a drenched shirt and held it under the hand-dryer in a desperate attempt to hide the evidence that something isn’t quite right. This happens more in situations where I feel I’m under close scrutiny by others; at work, whilst gigging, situations when the focus is on me for whatever reason. These are the times when anxiety tends to rear its ugly head. It would be easy to counteract this by shying away from such situations; to not gig, to get a job in an environment that isn’t based in a large open-plan office; to not be as socially active and stay at home more. Though that isn’t how I want to live my life and I’m damned if I’m going to miss out on a whole host of life-enriching opportunities purely because of this thing we call anxiety.
This has been really difficult to write. I’m laying bare something I’ve tried hard to hide for the best part of 20 years and really feel that I’m exposing myself here. I honestly don’t know if I’m alone in experiencing what I’ve written or if anxiety manifests itself in this way in other people. However, I have to put this out there. If just one other person recognises what I’ve written about and takes a little solace in knowing they’re not alone, then this is worthwhile. Next week I’ll discuss the lack of confidence / self-belief I have and the effect this has on me.
Until next time.
Thanks so much for sharing, Mick. Your physical manifestations resound completely with me. The sweats in particular, but also in my case, the guts to an even greater extent. I last had this on Friday at work, having been told to give somebody some bad news…cue also the catastrophising that you talk about. Thankfully, after about 15 minutes of mulling it over and worse-case scenarios rattling around my head, I was able to ask a good colleague and friend to take the task on for me…now cue the internal thoughts of being judged which affected me for the rest of the day. Thanks again for sharing and for giving others the opportunity to share too!
Thanks for this Andrew – really appreciate it. Certainly appears we share some similar traits. I hope you’re ok now but I do realise how something like this can have an effect for an entire day, if not longer. I hope you’re ok now? Take care.
Yes thanks, Mick. I don’t think I’ll ever be without it, unfortunately…just trying to accept that it will always be a part of me. Easier than it sounds, eh!
A hell of a lot easier than it sounds! Take care mate.
You are certainly not alone Mick . Anxiety manifests itself in many different ways and considering that about one in five people suffer from it I’m sure that many of your readers will relate to your personal experience and think ‘good grief it’s not only me ‘ .
In turn , apart from admiring your fighting spirit and not giving up on things you enjoy in life , I can only applaud your intent to help others .
You deserve the very best in life Mick . Well done x
Really appreciate that – thanks Yvonne. x
I know it must have taken a lot of courage to post this one so well done Mick. I think you have done a great job in explaining how anxiety effects a person physically aswell as mentally and I personally find the physical symptoms then lead to more fear and worry and it becomes a vicious circle, I hope this isn’t the same for you.
Keep up the good work and stay positive.
It’s exactly like you describe it Debbie. Thanks for the comments – much appreciated. x
Well done, well explained. Its amazing how people hide this, its good now that more people are able to talk about these things as it highlights how many people it does effect. You are far from alone xx
Thank-you Karren – really appreciate that. x
Hi mick – fellow sufferer here; saw your post on yammer and judos to you for sharing – i very much relate to a lot of this, it is something i have struggled with my whole life – not many people would recognise it but im good at pretending im ok.
Id recommend checking out the Huberman podcasts on anxiety – there are some shortcuts you can make to switch off an attack – forced yawning being one!
Really appreciate that – thanks for the kind words and the podcast recommendation. I’ll check that out now.